I recently was talking with a friend and discussing how overwhelming mothers, grandmothers, and mother-in-laws can be. We were discussing how sometimes grandparents or in this case mother-in-laws often go above the call of duty. Always checking to make sure we remember appointments, we remembered ice water for soccer, and that we remember to pick the kids up from school. The other grandma feels she has to compete for time with the kids, like she is always out done. "Sometimes she just goes to far!" my friend told me.
In her case her son was having grandparents day at preschool. This would require his grandparents to visit for about 15 minutes that morning in his classroom. Her mother-in-law however took a half day off of work to spend the whole morning with her precious grandson.
I think it is fair to say that most of us have experienced this or have our own situation very similar to it. The question is, how do we deal with it? When is it enough? Or to much? This is where we have to jump outside of our fishbowl and take a look in from the outside. This is often very challenging and sometimes hard to do. However, the view from the outside can be completely different from the inside. By being on the outside looking in, it allows for us to not only have a different perspective, but a new appreciation as well.
When looking at this from a mother-in-laws perspective they just want to make the most of the time they have with their grandchildren. They have already experienced how fast kids grow, and how fast time passes. A lesson we are as parents learn the hard way, and even when we think we have learned it, we search for the pause button as time seems to only speed up, the more we want it to slow down.
I think the greatest lesson I learned in stepping out of my fishbowl was realizing how truly blessed my children are to have the "over protective" grandmother they have. So many kids have no one, no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles. Many have this extended family I speak of but they choose not to be a part of their grandchildren's lives. Others live a good distance or far away from their families and are unable to see or spend the time with their grandchildren like they would like. Truthfully there are children that have parents that do not want to spend time with them.
I once had a parent we spent a lot of time with tell me I was so lucky to have the mother-in-law like I did. She told me she only wished her own parents or in-laws would care to spend half as much time with her kids as mine did.
The second greatest and very hard lesson I learned from stepping outside of my fishbowl was that time is limited. Grandparents, aunts, uncles...they will not be here forever.
I will never forget the day my sister-in-law Ang came from Edinboro to watch my daughter play soccer. Right before it was time for Kayla to play, her game was cancelled due to the threat of severe weather coming in. Kayla was SO upset, she cried and cried, she was so excited for Ang to see her play and now she couldn't. To me this seemed crazy, Ang was very involved with Kayla and all of her activities, they were like peas and carrots. I could not understand why Kayla was so upset, I tried to ask Kayla way she was so upset, but she just kept saying she wanted Ang to be able to see her play. I was becoming frustrated with her, this seemed irrational certainly there would be plenty of more soccer games for Ang to come to. There was not question that Ang would make the drive for everyone of them if Kayla wanted asked her to.
However, six days after the soccer season had ended, Ang suddenly became very ill and passed away, leaving my daughter's fear not only a reality, but very clear to me.
I told you this story to say, the next time your mother-in-law wants to take a half day off of work to spend the whole grandparents day with her grandson instead of the average fifteen minutes don't let it frustrate you. Instead jump outside of your fishbowl and be flattered that he has a grandmother that loves him so much she would take a whole half day off work to let him know how much she loves him, to make him feel extra special on grandparents day. Some kids in his very classroom had no grandparents to share that special day with, and remember, they will not be here forever, but the memories they build with your children will stay with them forever.
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| Ang and Kayla in their birthday |
I wrote this years ago for my MOPS group when I used to write the newsletter. While this was a perspective I was able to see in my own life with my own child and Aunt, I recently was able to see this full circle, the power of the testimony and the impact memories and grandmas make on the lives of our children.
My Aunt Karen passed away suddenly and unexpectedly two weeks ago today, leaving our family with grief, sadness, and a loss that seems unimaginable. As my family packed and made the journey to Pennsylvania I prepared myself for what was sure to be a difficult time for many. However, if you have ever loss someone you know I was only fooling myself. As the days passed and the journey of goodbye began there was one thing I was most unprepared for, one thing that sticks out more then the rest, probably the hardest part of saying good bye to my Aunt Karen. The day of the viewing the family is asked to come to the funeral home 45 minutes early to help prepare us before visitors started to show up. Obviously this was a very hard time, my Uncle Scott...there are no words, their children, the grandchildren, so many people that loved her and now had to find it within themselves to say good bye for the last time.
But there in the middle of the room stood Hayden, one of my Aunt Karen's grandsons, there were people all around him and yet he was a alone. He stood there looking at his grandma for the first time laid to rest in her casket, frozen, unaware of anything or anyone around him, only moving to wipe the tears that fell from his eyes. As I stood behind him and watched, I knew there was nothing that could help take away the pain of that sweet little boys heart breaking for the loss of his grandma. I wondered if he knew how excited she was when he made her a grandma, if he knew just how proud he made her, if he knew how she beamed with joy every time she would talk about him and the fun stuff they had done together. It was at that very moment I realized the only thing he had to offer him comfort now was his memories with her. They would now become more then memories, they would now become treasures that keep his grandma alive in his heart.
Furthermore I thought of all the times Aunt Karen probably drove Hayden's mom and dad crazy, calling to check on him, making sure he ate enough ounces in his bottle, or had a bath everyday, asking to have him over for the day or night, feeding him ice cream for dinner, and letting him break the rules of home because he was at Grandma's house. Then this life lesson, the one I thought already learned came full circle, no matter how "over protective, over baring, or how much codling" a mother or mother-in-law does, no matter how much she drives you crazy, thankful is what we should be, not annoyed, it's a small price to put up with for the love that they are giving your child, a love they will know forever, even after their grandma has been laid to rest.
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| Aunt Karen and Hayden |
