An Open Letter to the Family of Tammy Kay Ellis

I never met Tammy, not once. The first time I would ever see her would turn out to be just a few short hours before she would leave this earth and dwell in eternity with her Lord and Savior. 

That evening and over the next few days I would spend more time with her family than I ever had, most of them I had never even met. As I sat at her funeral there was a window of time where people could speak of Tammy and share memories of her with family and friends. As I sat in my pew listening to all the things everyone there, mostly strangers to me had to say, I couldn't help be overwhelmed with what I would say had I been brave enough to stand up and speak in front of everyone without it being wrote down. 

I personally had never truly experienced loss until well into my mid 20's. However once I did experience loss, it was a life lesson I was not prepared for. Not only was I not prepared, this life lesson seemed to be one that life would continue to remind me of. There is nothing that puts life into perspective more and quicker than losing a loved one. During this time, I learned to build up my walls, keep people at a safe distance...that way if something happened, it hurts less. Well, as life continued to teach me, I learned this was obviously nothing more than a faulty theory. So I have spent many years finding balance and trying to make the most of the time and people I spend my life with. 

Every year I spend the new year reflecting on the previous year and setting goals for the year to come. I usually find a song or a quote to serve as a reminder to keep with me throughout the whole year. I love For King and Country and one day their song Fix Your Eyes came on the radio. I have heard the song hundreds of times, as I was singing along the words of the chorus nearly took my breath away. "Love like you're not scared" love like you're not scared....these words seemed impossible, nobody really does that...nobody! 

Then it hit me, this is it, this is my 2020 goal...if only I knew what 2020 would bring!! This by far has been the hardest challenge and one I will work on for the rest of my life. I have spent time reflecting on people in my life that inspire me to do just this, they set an example, they challenge me to grow in areas that I didn't know I needed. There are many people, so many that I am certain have no idea, how I wish they knew how bright their light shines. 

As I sat there listening to all the things Tammy's family and friends had to say about Tammy, and reflected on the past few days I had spent with her family I realized...Tammy loved like she was not scared...the love she had spilled into every single person there to celebrate her life, it was so evident, so powerful, and so inspiring. I sat in my pew in awe of the fact someone I had never met could have such an impact on me. I sat there wondering how I could ever tell this family about their loved one they had just lost, that they sat and cried for, how she made a difference in the my life, and most of them didn't even know who I was until a few days before this unbearable grief was upon them. 

I watched her slide show yet again, but this time it was different, I soaked up the pictures, the love, the connection, the memories frozen in time her family found so much comfort in, I saw love that was unconditional, never ending, and fearless. I looked at pictures of her with her grandkids, and envied how open and loving she was. There was no guards, no walls, just pure joy and happiness. I watched as the pictures went on trying to soak it all in, to always remember what this fearless love looked like, to one day hope that could be me. 

Since that day, I have often thought of her, I have reflected on the lessons she taught and continues to teach me, and I have continued to spend time with her family...I didn't see it before, I do now however see Tammy, hear of Tammy even within her family today. I never have found the right words or the right time to say all of this, I did however believe it would come in time. 

Last night Tracy came to bring the most delicious brownies Mama had made from scratch for Kayla. In true Heather fashion we spent longer than planned standing in the driveway talking. In that time, Tracy and I talked about Tammy and that today was her birthday. It was then that I was flooded with memories of losing my loved ones. The hard, the ugly, the good, and the bittersweet. I was instantly reminded of one of the absolute most amazing things I ever discovered losing a loved one;

Revelation 14:13 "And I heard a voice from Heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and thier works do follow them." 

I wish I could tell you I realized this right after my sister in law Angela passed away, however, it was not until four years later this realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Even more important, it was and has continued to be one of the most encouraging things in my life. I can sit here and tell you without a doubt I know this to be true, and yet when something happens to remind me 11 year later her works are still following her...it blows me away...every single time! 

I said all of this to say; family of Tammy...you may not know it yet, you may not have seen it yet, but her works do follow. If you have already seen it, this is only the beginning, and every single time it will be such an amazing reminder of the life she lived and the love she left behind. What I want you to know even more than that it, her works were following her that evening in her home. As all of you surrounded her in your love as she opened her eyes to see the face of Jesus. She was already making an impact on a stranger, someone she had never met, me. 

Like I said, life has continued to remind me of just how fragile and short it is, and it is not a reminder I like to face. I will however, always be grateful for God's plan to make Tammy a part of my life, my future, and my growth in a way I do not think any of us could have ever seen possible. 

As you remember her and think of her on her birthday this year and every year after, know that every time you share the love she shared with you, you are sharing a piece of her with the world she left behind. Her works are following and you are a part of it. 

Wife, Mom, Teacher & The Rollercoaster that is COVID-19 Day 8

Good Morning Family, 

I mean at this point, we are all in this together! I hope your weekends went well, for me it was nice to have my husband home. Life stuck all together always feels more complete when we are all together. It is hard to explain, even though it probably sounds simple, one is missing incomplete, all together, complete. 

However, we did not always used to be that way. We stayed busy, but we ran in so many different directions and the scary part is, we didn't even know it. When we moved to RVA we only had each other and that tiny, I mean tiny little two bedroom apartment. In that time we were given something so valuable and that we never saw coming. I do not know that there is a name for it or even words for it, but we learned to lean to one another, we built a family bond we didn't even know we were missing. Is it perfect? Far from it, do we fight, say hurtful things to one another and drive each other crazy? Absolutely!  In this time however, we learned so much about ourselves and each other, we learned family. We made it ours, we made is us! 

So fast forward to now...and that is why it feels so incomplete with one of us not here. So the weekend was nice family time. 

Also can I just say, I have heard argument over argument whether or not church should be cancelled. When before the virus I heard social media is the devil. Well personally I want you to know that Sunday morning my social media was filled with nothing but "church" and I loved it. The thing is, we do not have to be so divided...we just don't. But is a post for another day, I simply wanted to say thank you to all those that shared their morning worship in this time! 

As Sunday night approached I still had that typical, prepare for the week feeling. This time however, I longed for my week to be what is has always been. I longed to be wake up and fight for room in the bathroom, listen to the Kayla give Morgan a countdown to how much time before she left, and give "morning Beaver" the space he needs. I longed for my husband to tell me I make such a mess pouring my coffee and hear everyone say, "Goodbye, Have a great dat, I love you!" 

The reality of what week two of isolation held was quickly becoming a realization and I am simply not ready for it. 

At 2pm the Governor said he will address the state and he will also be informing us what his plan is with schools going forward. While at first I was excited...simply because I genuinely want to know the end. How long will this last, when can we go back to normal, when will this be over...I realized...he doesn't know, he simply will be doing what he and the powers that be think is the safest option for this state. With that realization I quickly felt like I have been on trial and at 2pm the jury would read my verdict. 

Of course this thought train could not stop there, this wasn't just about me as an educator and school being closed, this was about our state and our country. This is about us becoming the countries we read about, the stories we read so often on social media, the "That will never happen to me, to us!" Guess what...it's here, this is our story, this is our country, this is our life, these are our loved ones. This reality is our people on the front lines, in the hospitals begging for answers, begging for protection. Our reality is our people with compromised immune systems at risk of death, our reality is a state, a country on the verge of shutdown, lockdown, crisis. 

We are a selfish country...so privileged...and we take all of it for granted. Even in the hight of this crisis...we still cannot as a country come together and just stay put, stay home, social distance, keep ourselves safe. I want to tell you I understand...but as time goes on...I get more and more frustrated with it. I literally in one minute say...I understand, its small business...we have to make an income...and the very next second...it doesn't matter...this is life or death. 

My heart breaks for so many...worried about how to survive with no income, how to keep their business they have invested their whole life into from going under. The person that just wants to help where they can. The person terrified beyond measure of catching this virus or a dear loved one dying from it. All community service workers that are doing their best, risking their wellbeing and their families wellbeing to have people just unwilling to stay home. 

Guys...these times are scary and so uncertain...and this continues to increase with everyday that passes. I am not here to tell you. "It will be Ok!" "Focus on the positive" "It could be worse" or any other text book answer you get in time of struggle. Because, lets be honest...we simply don't know. 

What I do know, and this is such a new concept to me too...just feel...feel worried, feel anxious, feel discouraged, feel happy, feel grateful, feel kind, feel something new every second. No matter what you feel, allow your body to feel, breath through it, find a friend and talk about it, find a safe place to express your feelings and allow yourself to feel. Here is what I know, feelings, they need somewhere to go. I will tell you I shove mine in a bottle...however what I actually know is they find a place to live in my body...this turns into fear, anxiety, even body aches and pain...and if left for to long chronic illness and trauma. So today...amongst all of this "new normal" find a release, find and outlet and allow yourself to feel!! 

And PLEASE....STAY HOME!!!! 

Wife, Mother, Teacher & COVID-19 Day 5

Day 5...social distancing! After day 3 I realized we live in a world with amazing technology and resources at our fingertips that when I was a child did not exist! Honestly...I spend so much time complaining about these technologies...but guess what...now is your time to shine technology...and that you have!!
Now I will tell you I am not very talented when it comes to technology...however, by Thursday morning, enough was enough and I was finding a way to see my classroom kids if it was the only thing I did that day! Finally I figured out Zoom, had a parent willing to try it with me and BAM...the classroom kids were on the screen talking like we were at school. There are no words to describe how precious it was to just sit and watch them interact with each other through the safety of a computer screen!
Well...with that I was on fire...there was no stopping me now!
So I would have told you we could have made it two weeks without going on a supply run...sadly on day 4 I started to panic a little. I almost hate to admit it. While we had food, things were running low...I thought it best to not wait until items like toilet paper were gone before I decided to get them, knowing they were hard to come by. If you know Joshua, then you know the value of milk...so to the store house we went! However, I had a plan...I was leaving with a bike...and I plan to soon become the person you always wave to on her bike when you drive through Mathews! It was my brilliant solution to social distancing! Day 4 became a win for everyone, and I even found toilet paper...the same brand we usually use! Imagine that!! I finished out my night riding all over the island and reading a story to my classroom kids on Zoom.

Day 5 sleeping in is apparently something I do not do well these days...while I have always wished to me a morning person...it has yet to happen, maybe this is the start of it?! In an attempt to keep life as normal as possible I met with my classroom on Zoom, we did our good morning song, our wish well, and celebration board. Of course I would tell you this was for the children, but lets be honest...I think I needed it more than them.
Using this same energy, I remembered what makes children so amazing. They can be so resilient, able to pick up right where they left off. There is so much about a child that is just profound to me...it never ceases to amaze me that when a child shows me what looks to me like a paper of scribble, it is in fact to them a masterpiece. What I would give to have that child like spirit...with that thought...I decided I could conquer my fears of being recorded and started a YouTube Channel. Seriously...on a list of "What is something you might do next week" that would not of been on the top 5000 things! Honestly I probably would have put that on the anti bucket list!!
Here's the thing...recently I told one of my Conscious Discipline family members that I hate pictures of me because I am not photogenic. She told me the photo truly is what it is, a picture of me, my face, who I am. Here was the amazing part...she said, that face is loved. My family, my classroom, my friends, when they see my picture, my face, they see love, a face that is loved. So with that I was all in...the wheels are spinning and the videos are coming.
Then I had one more issue pressing on my heart...the struggling parent that has now become the teacher as well. I have seen so many memes from educators basically mocking parents...while I do or would like to think they are in good humor...at the end of the day, it is not helpful! I had to reach out to my struggling parents and let them know...You are not your child's teacher...and it is ok!

"This has been on my heart for a few days now. I am an educator...I love to teach and spend my days with children. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, a hard truth even...I genuinely struggle to teach my own children.
We once homeschooled and while I loved it...the truth is, my kids could not love me as a mom and respect me as a teacher at the same time. It was a very hard balance for them and even more so for me.
I once struggled with the guilt of this, and honestly sometimes still do...how can I give 8+ hours a day to my classroom...and find my self frustrated in less the. 20min with my own kids in my own home?
The truth is...it’s hard, it’s frustrating, and it’s ok.
If you're that parent struggling to find balance, or even patience...during this “homeschool” time you're not alone.
The struggle is real...and it ok...one day we will look back and see all that we have learned from these crazy times...but for now, focus on the positive! Make the memories they will certainly last way longer than any virus or trying times we face." 

With every fiber of my being I believe a child learns through play...sure this play turns into hands on and action as they grow older...but it is still through the process not the product and trial and error that teaches a child. I remember the first time Cameron took apart his playstation remote...I was furious...filled him full of threats. Then he put it all back together...he has continued to take things apart and put them together...I promise he learned more through this than any text book ever taught him. 
I said all of this to say...no matter the age, no matter the skill set, let them explore, let them mess up, make messes, teach them, show them, play with them, it's ok. Remember the process is what teaches...not the finishing product! 

I finished my night with a 9 mile bike ride and a movie with my family...and more importantly the secret to surviving social distancing week 1...Stay busy...and find a way to connect!! They are out there, you just have to do what works for you. Lastly...step outside of your box...there is not a person in this world that loves the comfort of her built up walls more then me...I am here to tell you, step outside of your comfort zone...even if it is just a toe! 

P.S. Try zoom with the people you love the most or those you miss, everyone being able to see each other and talk to each other brings a feeling of comfort that you didn't even know you needed!! 

Mom, Wife, Teacher & COVID-19...Day 3

Day 3 of social distancing...3 days ago I had a to do list that could of kept me busy for months...a to do list that I have been putting off forever...cause ya know, life never slows down, and when it does we look for adventure...not house work!
But this...self isolation, this perfect time to slow down and do house projects together...just isn't perfect. The irony of it is, I don't even know why...other then I am feeling so blah and simply throwing me a pity party!
I have found myself annoyed at people that won't stay home, parents that will not keep their kids home, my favorite old man that is still going out and mingling with the general public...its truly none of my business...but seriously people...STAY HOME!!!
So the time has come, I am searching for a way to stay connected to my classroom family...P.S. hats off to you Ware Academy...y'all have hit the ball out of the park and even though I do not have a kid that attends there...Thank you!! You have made a very hard time that much easier for the children, and truly set the mark and model to so many schools around you!
Then I was reminded...there is safety in the present! How could I forget...stay in the present! First things first make a to do list, get the random thoughts floating in my brain out and on a visual list that keeps me right here in the present, where I am safe!
So day three was a tough one for me, I genuinely would of never believed I was ready to throw the towel in by day three of TRUE social distancing...here is to hoping  night of rest and tomorrow is better! If you are out there and the struggle is real...your not alone...<3

Mom...Wife...Teacher...& COVID-19

I’ve decided that I will keep a journal of this journey. Not only are we writing history, but as the days pass on and this only seems to get harder I want to be able to look back and think...wow, and look where we are now. Also, writing is therapeutic for me...so here goes.

Friday, March 13th...phew what a week it was. Governor Northam announced that we would be closing schools for two weeks. Not going to lie...it was such a crazy week...I thought, this is perfect, a reset if you will, just what we need! I mean I am ashamed to admit how unconcerned I was in that moment.
I was genuinely worried for how this would truly effect families and children and income. I knew this would be much greater than we could fathom in that moment but trusted it would all be ok and this would be the big step that stops the spread and levels the curve.
We spent the weekend camping in our woods and aside from some very sketchy wind...had a seriously great time!

Sunday March 15th...we packed up from camping and everything had seemed to returned to normal...for a minute anyways! In true Stearns fashion...we have two weeks off together...I pulled out the computer and started to plan our next spontaneous trip! Adventure awaits...and we are always on a mission to find it! However after a little thought and research we decided this was not what being a responsible American or example to our children. So after deep conversation explaining this to the children we committed to social distance and finding the adventure in staying home!

Monday March 16th...I am preparing for whatever the future brings, no worries, just going to roll with the punches. I mean I remember when I lived in PA and on rare occasions it snowed so much everything closed and we had to stay home. It was the absolute best! Me, my people, taking the day off, doing nothing, slowing down and just spending time together...life often gets so busy that these times became coveted and precious time. I quickly began to think of all the fun times and trips we have taken and what made them so special...just us, together, with that I was quickly able to think of this two week staycation as a blessing in disguise!

Well...better get to Wal-mart and get what we need for two weeks, dog food, stop at the nurtury...you know essentials! Cause we Stearns are doing our part and social distancing! We mean business! That was until Wal-Mart felt very much like one of those shows where the world is ending. And I don’t mean one of those scary ones, I mean the funny almost stupid ones that you literally cannot take any of it serious...yet all of a sudden it all seemed so real!! But I laugh it off, go home, the shut downs and governors are saying this and trump is saying that...me...cool as a cucumber. I’ve got this!

Tuesday March 17th...St. Patrick’s Day. Wake up, get my day started, wearing my green shirt I had planned for school anyways...doing great! Then I think of my sweet tiny humans, one in specific that has not stopped talking about the sneaky leprechaun that came last year. He has asked me all year if we could try and trap him again and remember the mess he made, do you think he will do it again?? As my mind wondered thinking of my classroom,
I decided that I should stay busy and enjoy this beautiful day! With the push mower I go to town on the green grass...see the connection there!? My favorite old man sees me push mowing and can’t have that so he comes over with his fancy ride mower and we both mowed the yard, maintaining safe distance but still spending time together. It was nearly the perfect solution to this social distancing thing! I spent the rest of the day in the yard, checking on the kids and their school work, can’t complain, it was a great day!
Found it hilarious when Joshua got home and asked me why I had St. Patrick’s day shirt on...he legit had no idea 🤦🏽‍♀️ We even celebrated a dogs bday (for those of you that know Kayla and her love for dogs, you will understand!) And don’t y’all worry, that sneaky leprechaun got some green in Joshuas milk! Probably the highlight of my day!!

As we ate dinner and the night lingered on, the news of restriction of state after state came and a few that schools decided to close until Sept. I immediately thought...that’s crazy!
However the reality of that began to sink in...will I not get to see my classroom kids again? Wait for them at the door to mark them present? Remind them to wash their hands? Or ask them if they are eating breakfast? Will I not get to teach them conflict resolution, or how to be a STAR, or share our celebrations, have family meeting, or eat lunch together? Will last Friday really be the last day I had with them?
My heart began to feel so heavy...I missed them as if it had been years. I worried for them, we are not done, I was not done...still so much time to share, hugs to give. As I started to feel the anxiety within me I knew for their sweet tiny human selves they must be feeling something too. How could I reach out and help them feel a sense of normal?
See we are more then a classroom, we are a school family. When a member of our family is gone we miss them, we wish them well, and when they come back we celebrate. This separations is different...one day we were together, one day we were not. Was everyone ok? Is everyone safe?
Furthermore, what will people do for income, how will the economy make it? I saw a picture of Time Square EMPTY...it again brought me back to that silly end of the world show. To be honest the last time I was in NYC I remember walking past places thinking...so much money wasted...for what? What purpose do all these fancy buildings and decorations have? Just two month later the reality hits hard...they are just things.
My brain went to thurs night, March 16th, Joshua and I went to dinner, we talked about the camping plans for the weekend and the talk of stuff shutting down, thinking how crazy that would be. Not even 24 hours later that became our reality. I found myself longing for “normal” and more important the security of what tomorrow holds.
At the end of the night I realized, none of us know what we will wake up to, how we will manage it...its scary and it’s hard! I am here to tell you it’s ok to be scared, worried, or even cry. Know you are not alone.

As for me, I will be hiding behind my smile, that’s what I do best. It’s not an easy thing to open that bottle of feelings after years of keeping her locked so tight. What I do know is the smile is a mask, helps me feel safe...you know like the sunglasses you wear at the dentist as a child, on the inside however...I long for certainty and knowing what the future holds.

New Year...New Me!

Last year as the new year approached these thoughts circled in my head, I wrote them down unfinished...I have spent another year letting these thoughts stretch me, grow me, and make me who I am today...new me...new year #2019...

2018...How many times have you heard someone say, "New year...new me!!" Or even further how many times have you said this yourself!? If I was being honest I would tell you I have made it my personal mission to say this every time I try to commit to something new or different this new year!! While this has been fun and created many laughs and smiles, I spent a lot of time in thought about this concept, what does it truly mean...New year...new me!

One New Year's Eve last year I was with my mom and we were getting our hair done. I remember talking with the lady cutting my hair, reviewing our years together as we planned to bring in the new year. I told her how many people on Facebook could not stop talking about how they could not wait for 2016 to end...it had been the worst year ever and they were looking forward to saying good bye to it. I have had many hard times in life but had never really understood the concept. We talked about how not only has there never been a year that I was like WOW that year was down right awful...but the turning of the new year surly does not change much. It simply is a representation of a new beginning, a chance to start over.

Then 2017 came...my dear neighbors had to bring in the new year without their teenage niece who had been suddenly killed in a car accident. Another family that I do not know had to say goodbye to their teenage daughter after she was unable to recover from head injuries from a car accident on Christmas day. A family friend who we love dearly was in a wrestling accident and found himself with a life threatening spinal cord injury in his senior year of High school. As January continued on we decided to take a family trip to Gatlinburg to get away, celebrate my husband's birthday, and just have some family fun. A few days before we were about to leave the transmission went out in our vehicle we had just purchased a few months prior. Our back up vehicle was leaking large amounts of oil, so we cancelled the trip we were very much looking forward too. My husband's birthday came and I spent the day disappointed about the change of plans, but determined to make the best of it. Just as my husband arrived home, my mom called...Uncle Scott has come home from work, and found my Aunt Karen in her bed...passed away....needless to say we traveled to PA. Upon returning home I came down with what the doctor felt was the flu, a two weeks later it was discovered I had pneumonia...I have never been so sick in all of my life, when my six week recovery was completed I again had to be treated for wheezing and shortness of breath...which then led to thrush and a mess of diagnostic testing...by this time I was eating my words I had shared with the lady while I got my hair cut...2017 was the worst year ever...I could not wait for it to end...and it was only February!

2017 did not let up either! Our same dear neighbors house burnt down, my Uncle Scott's father fell very ill while he was visiting us and he raced home to be at his dad's bedside, my most favorite old man neighbor fell septic to a gallbladder infection, his internal defibrillator continued to go off and very high risk surgery was inevitable, our vehicle now known as Felicia left us stranded two more times, we had to put our family dog of 5 plus years down, two families we know had their two year old precious children diagnosed with cancer...Surly is we could just get to the new year...2018...everything would be better...right!!??

As the new year approached I spent a lot of time thinking about 2017 and the events that has taken place. The more I thought about it the more I realized...I still had so much to be thankful for, every need God had provided for. Then when I really thought about it what about all the great things 2017 had brought...The faith of the two families that lost their child has been beyond understanding...they are a light that shines in this lost and dying world, their child's works do follow through them and I believe they will for many years to come. MichaelDion was unable to continue to wrestle or join the Coast Guard like he had dreamed and planned to do. He did however defy the odds stacked against him. He not only survived his injury he made a full recovery with no restrictions, he did not let it slow him down! He graduated, finished his EMT, started college, and continues to work and provide for himself and his family. Jeff and Bonnie are plugging away on that house of theirs, both in their 70's but they are the youngest people I know. Its incredible to look across the yard and see a house stand where less them a year ago the one they built years ago was ashes. Uncle Scott's father at 93 years of age took his chances and had heart surgery, not only did he survive but he has thrived! His family reports he have never looked better, and he says he has never felt better. He may be 93, but it doesn't slow him down!! Roland...recovered both surgeries, even though he prepared for the possibility of not making it through he not only made it through but was home the next morning!! One of the families that had a child with a cancer diagnosis without explanation was healed completely!

The year held so much more as well, Cameron discovered his love and God given ability to run, him and Kayla got to do a school sport together something they had never done before and will never be able to do again. They were however able to lean on each other, cheer for each other and truly grow as siblings together. I conquered a 5K and with my children by my side! Kayla showed her love for soccer on the field, and ability even with the BOYS......."

Picking back up with 2018 in review...life certainly did not slow down...and if I were to look back I think...phew 2018 gave me a run for my money...it was a rollercoaster for sure...once again the year started off again with unexpected goodbyes to loved ones and continued with trials and hurt rearing their ugly heads all through the year. They were however, trapped in between some of the greatest memories, biggest milestones, and most fun we have every had! 

As I previously mentioned Bonnie and Jeff's family suffered the devastating loss of Josie a few weeks before Christmas, she was 19 years old. Her family has turned her Facebook page into a celebration of her life. Recently while riding in the car I came across a video of her dancing. As I watched this young girl dance as if nothing in life mattered but what she was doing and who she was with in that very moment, I could see that she truly understood the value of life. Little did she or her family know that from that few seconds of video, two years of thoughts came full circle...I have been encouraged, I have spent days evaluating the importance of what truly is important, and challenging myself to be present and in the moment...the here and now. 

None of us are any different this morning then we were last night waiting to bring in the new year despite the cliche sayings. We are however, not the same person we were Jan 1, 2018 as I we are today Jan 1, 2019. Whatever 2018 sent your way, there is no question it has stretched you, challenged you, hurt you, made you stronger, molded you...only you know...but what I know is it is a new year and we all have entered it a "new you"...so like Josie...dance, live in the moment, embrace life as it is thrown at you...but how...I certainly do not have all the answers but I believe through the little things, we achieve the big things. 

Whether you need to take life day by day or minute by minute it doesn't matter, sometimes is is going to be hard, unimaginable and other times life will seem like it couldn't possibly get any better...no matter what 2019 sends my way, my hope is to "Do small things with great love!" Just as the song Dream Small says, there is nothing wrong with bigger dreams, just don't miss the minutes on your way to bigger things...these are the moments that change the world!" 

Time changes everything, don't get stuck in the past, try not to wish away the time...Love, be present, live in the moment, soak it in...so much easier said then done...I have a lot of work to do this year, this is my start line <3 

Grand...Mother...in-law

I recently was talking with a friend and discussing how overwhelming mothers, grandmothers, and mother-in-laws can be. We were discussing how sometimes grandparents or in this case mother-in-laws often go above the call of duty. Always checking to make sure we remember appointments, we remembered ice water for soccer, and that we remember to pick the kids up from school. The other grandma feels she has to compete for time with the kids, like she is always out done. "Sometimes she just goes to far!" my friend told me.

In her case her son was having grandparents day at preschool. This would require his grandparents to visit for about 15 minutes that morning in his classroom. Her mother-in-law however took a half day off of work to spend the whole morning with her precious grandson.

I think it is fair to say that most of us have experienced this or have our own situation very similar to it. The question is, how do we deal with it? When is it enough? Or to much? This is where we have to jump outside of our fishbowl and take a look in from the outside. This is often very challenging and sometimes hard to do. However, the view from the outside can be completely different from the inside. By being on the outside looking in, it allows for us to not only have a different perspective, but a new appreciation as well.

When looking at this from a mother-in-laws perspective they just want to make the most of the time they have with their grandchildren. They have already experienced how fast kids grow, and how fast time passes. A lesson we are as parents learn the hard way, and even when we think we have learned it, we search for the pause button as time seems to only speed up, the more we want it to slow down.

I think the greatest lesson I learned in stepping out of my fishbowl was realizing how truly blessed my children are to have the "over protective" grandmother they have. So many kids have no one, no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles. Many have this extended family I speak of but they choose not to be a part of their grandchildren's lives. Others live a good distance or far away from their families and are unable to see or spend the time with their grandchildren like they would like. Truthfully there are children that have parents that do not want to spend time with them.

I once had a parent we spent a lot of time with tell me I was so lucky to have the mother-in-law like I did. She told me she only wished her own parents or in-laws would care to spend half as much time with her kids as mine did.

The second greatest and very hard lesson I learned from stepping outside of my fishbowl was that time is limited. Grandparents, aunts, uncles...they will not be here forever.

I will never forget the day my sister-in-law Ang came from Edinboro to watch my daughter play soccer. Right before it was time for Kayla to play, her game was cancelled due to the threat of severe weather coming in. Kayla was SO upset, she cried and cried, she was so excited for Ang to see her play and now she couldn't. To me this seemed crazy, Ang was very involved with Kayla and all of her activities, they were like peas and carrots. I could not understand why Kayla was so upset, I tried to ask Kayla way she was so upset, but she just kept saying she wanted Ang to be able to see her play. I was becoming frustrated with her, this seemed irrational certainly there would be plenty of more soccer games for Ang to come to. There was not question that Ang would make the drive for everyone of them if Kayla wanted asked her to. 

However, six days after the soccer season had ended, Ang suddenly became very ill and passed away, leaving my daughter's fear not only a reality, but very clear to me.

I told you this story to say, the next time your mother-in-law wants to take a half day off of work to spend the whole grandparents day with her grandson instead of the average fifteen minutes don't let it frustrate you. Instead jump outside of your fishbowl and be flattered that he has a grandmother that loves him so much she would take a whole half day off work to let him know how much she loves him, to make him feel extra special on grandparents day. Some kids in his very classroom had no grandparents to share that special day with, and remember, they will not be here forever, but the memories they build with your children will stay with them forever.

Ang and Kayla in their birthday

I wrote this years ago for my MOPS group when I used to write the newsletter. While this was a perspective I was able to see in my own life with my own child and Aunt, I recently was able to see this full circle, the power of the testimony and the impact memories and grandmas make on the lives of our children.

My Aunt Karen passed away suddenly and unexpectedly two weeks ago today, leaving our family with grief, sadness, and a loss that seems unimaginable. As my family packed and made the journey to Pennsylvania I prepared myself for what was sure to be a difficult time for many. However, if you have ever loss someone you know I was only fooling myself. As the days passed and the journey of goodbye began there was one thing I was most unprepared for, one thing that sticks out more then the rest, probably the hardest part of saying good bye to my Aunt Karen. The day of the viewing the family is asked to come to the funeral home 45 minutes early to help prepare us before visitors started to show up. Obviously this was a very hard time, my Uncle Scott...there are no words, their children, the grandchildren, so many people that loved her and now had to find it within themselves to say good bye for the last time. 

But there in the middle of the room stood Hayden, one of my Aunt Karen's grandsons, there were people all around him and yet he was a alone. He stood there looking at his grandma for the first time laid to rest in her casket, frozen, unaware of anything or anyone around him, only moving to wipe the tears that fell from his eyes. As I stood behind him and watched, I knew there was nothing that could help take away the pain of that sweet little boys heart breaking for the loss of his grandma. I wondered if he knew how excited she was when he made her a grandma, if he knew just how proud he made her, if he knew how she beamed with joy every time she would talk about him and the fun stuff they had done together. It was at that very moment I realized the only thing he had to offer him comfort now was his memories with her. They would now become more then memories, they would now become treasures that keep his grandma alive in his heart. 

Furthermore I thought of all the times Aunt Karen probably drove Hayden's mom and dad crazy, calling to check on him, making sure he ate enough ounces in his bottle, or had a bath everyday, asking to have him over for the day or night, feeding him ice cream for dinner, and letting him break the rules of home because he was at Grandma's house. Then this life lesson, the one I thought already learned came full circle, no matter how "over protective, over baring, or how much codling" a mother or mother-in-law does, no matter how much she drives you crazy, thankful is what we should be, not annoyed, it's a small price to put up with for the love that they are giving your child, a love they will know forever, even after their grandma has been laid to rest. 

Aunt Karen and Hayden