An Open Letter to the Family of Tammy Kay Ellis

I never met Tammy, not once. The first time I would ever see her would turn out to be just a few short hours before she would leave this earth and dwell in eternity with her Lord and Savior. 

That evening and over the next few days I would spend more time with her family than I ever had, most of them I had never even met. As I sat at her funeral there was a window of time where people could speak of Tammy and share memories of her with family and friends. As I sat in my pew listening to all the things everyone there, mostly strangers to me had to say, I couldn't help be overwhelmed with what I would say had I been brave enough to stand up and speak in front of everyone without it being wrote down. 

I personally had never truly experienced loss until well into my mid 20's. However once I did experience loss, it was a life lesson I was not prepared for. Not only was I not prepared, this life lesson seemed to be one that life would continue to remind me of. There is nothing that puts life into perspective more and quicker than losing a loved one. During this time, I learned to build up my walls, keep people at a safe distance...that way if something happened, it hurts less. Well, as life continued to teach me, I learned this was obviously nothing more than a faulty theory. So I have spent many years finding balance and trying to make the most of the time and people I spend my life with. 

Every year I spend the new year reflecting on the previous year and setting goals for the year to come. I usually find a song or a quote to serve as a reminder to keep with me throughout the whole year. I love For King and Country and one day their song Fix Your Eyes came on the radio. I have heard the song hundreds of times, as I was singing along the words of the chorus nearly took my breath away. "Love like you're not scared" love like you're not scared....these words seemed impossible, nobody really does that...nobody! 

Then it hit me, this is it, this is my 2020 goal...if only I knew what 2020 would bring!! This by far has been the hardest challenge and one I will work on for the rest of my life. I have spent time reflecting on people in my life that inspire me to do just this, they set an example, they challenge me to grow in areas that I didn't know I needed. There are many people, so many that I am certain have no idea, how I wish they knew how bright their light shines. 

As I sat there listening to all the things Tammy's family and friends had to say about Tammy, and reflected on the past few days I had spent with her family I realized...Tammy loved like she was not scared...the love she had spilled into every single person there to celebrate her life, it was so evident, so powerful, and so inspiring. I sat in my pew in awe of the fact someone I had never met could have such an impact on me. I sat there wondering how I could ever tell this family about their loved one they had just lost, that they sat and cried for, how she made a difference in the my life, and most of them didn't even know who I was until a few days before this unbearable grief was upon them. 

I watched her slide show yet again, but this time it was different, I soaked up the pictures, the love, the connection, the memories frozen in time her family found so much comfort in, I saw love that was unconditional, never ending, and fearless. I looked at pictures of her with her grandkids, and envied how open and loving she was. There was no guards, no walls, just pure joy and happiness. I watched as the pictures went on trying to soak it all in, to always remember what this fearless love looked like, to one day hope that could be me. 

Since that day, I have often thought of her, I have reflected on the lessons she taught and continues to teach me, and I have continued to spend time with her family...I didn't see it before, I do now however see Tammy, hear of Tammy even within her family today. I never have found the right words or the right time to say all of this, I did however believe it would come in time. 

Last night Tracy came to bring the most delicious brownies Mama had made from scratch for Kayla. In true Heather fashion we spent longer than planned standing in the driveway talking. In that time, Tracy and I talked about Tammy and that today was her birthday. It was then that I was flooded with memories of losing my loved ones. The hard, the ugly, the good, and the bittersweet. I was instantly reminded of one of the absolute most amazing things I ever discovered losing a loved one;

Revelation 14:13 "And I heard a voice from Heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and thier works do follow them." 

I wish I could tell you I realized this right after my sister in law Angela passed away, however, it was not until four years later this realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Even more important, it was and has continued to be one of the most encouraging things in my life. I can sit here and tell you without a doubt I know this to be true, and yet when something happens to remind me 11 year later her works are still following her...it blows me away...every single time! 

I said all of this to say; family of Tammy...you may not know it yet, you may not have seen it yet, but her works do follow. If you have already seen it, this is only the beginning, and every single time it will be such an amazing reminder of the life she lived and the love she left behind. What I want you to know even more than that it, her works were following her that evening in her home. As all of you surrounded her in your love as she opened her eyes to see the face of Jesus. She was already making an impact on a stranger, someone she had never met, me. 

Like I said, life has continued to remind me of just how fragile and short it is, and it is not a reminder I like to face. I will however, always be grateful for God's plan to make Tammy a part of my life, my future, and my growth in a way I do not think any of us could have ever seen possible. 

As you remember her and think of her on her birthday this year and every year after, know that every time you share the love she shared with you, you are sharing a piece of her with the world she left behind. Her works are following and you are a part of it. 

Wife, Mom, Teacher & The Rollercoaster that is COVID-19 Day 8

Good Morning Family, 

I mean at this point, we are all in this together! I hope your weekends went well, for me it was nice to have my husband home. Life stuck all together always feels more complete when we are all together. It is hard to explain, even though it probably sounds simple, one is missing incomplete, all together, complete. 

However, we did not always used to be that way. We stayed busy, but we ran in so many different directions and the scary part is, we didn't even know it. When we moved to RVA we only had each other and that tiny, I mean tiny little two bedroom apartment. In that time we were given something so valuable and that we never saw coming. I do not know that there is a name for it or even words for it, but we learned to lean to one another, we built a family bond we didn't even know we were missing. Is it perfect? Far from it, do we fight, say hurtful things to one another and drive each other crazy? Absolutely!  In this time however, we learned so much about ourselves and each other, we learned family. We made it ours, we made is us! 

So fast forward to now...and that is why it feels so incomplete with one of us not here. So the weekend was nice family time. 

Also can I just say, I have heard argument over argument whether or not church should be cancelled. When before the virus I heard social media is the devil. Well personally I want you to know that Sunday morning my social media was filled with nothing but "church" and I loved it. The thing is, we do not have to be so divided...we just don't. But is a post for another day, I simply wanted to say thank you to all those that shared their morning worship in this time! 

As Sunday night approached I still had that typical, prepare for the week feeling. This time however, I longed for my week to be what is has always been. I longed to be wake up and fight for room in the bathroom, listen to the Kayla give Morgan a countdown to how much time before she left, and give "morning Beaver" the space he needs. I longed for my husband to tell me I make such a mess pouring my coffee and hear everyone say, "Goodbye, Have a great dat, I love you!" 

The reality of what week two of isolation held was quickly becoming a realization and I am simply not ready for it. 

At 2pm the Governor said he will address the state and he will also be informing us what his plan is with schools going forward. While at first I was excited...simply because I genuinely want to know the end. How long will this last, when can we go back to normal, when will this be over...I realized...he doesn't know, he simply will be doing what he and the powers that be think is the safest option for this state. With that realization I quickly felt like I have been on trial and at 2pm the jury would read my verdict. 

Of course this thought train could not stop there, this wasn't just about me as an educator and school being closed, this was about our state and our country. This is about us becoming the countries we read about, the stories we read so often on social media, the "That will never happen to me, to us!" Guess what...it's here, this is our story, this is our country, this is our life, these are our loved ones. This reality is our people on the front lines, in the hospitals begging for answers, begging for protection. Our reality is our people with compromised immune systems at risk of death, our reality is a state, a country on the verge of shutdown, lockdown, crisis. 

We are a selfish country...so privileged...and we take all of it for granted. Even in the hight of this crisis...we still cannot as a country come together and just stay put, stay home, social distance, keep ourselves safe. I want to tell you I understand...but as time goes on...I get more and more frustrated with it. I literally in one minute say...I understand, its small business...we have to make an income...and the very next second...it doesn't matter...this is life or death. 

My heart breaks for so many...worried about how to survive with no income, how to keep their business they have invested their whole life into from going under. The person that just wants to help where they can. The person terrified beyond measure of catching this virus or a dear loved one dying from it. All community service workers that are doing their best, risking their wellbeing and their families wellbeing to have people just unwilling to stay home. 

Guys...these times are scary and so uncertain...and this continues to increase with everyday that passes. I am not here to tell you. "It will be Ok!" "Focus on the positive" "It could be worse" or any other text book answer you get in time of struggle. Because, lets be honest...we simply don't know. 

What I do know, and this is such a new concept to me too...just feel...feel worried, feel anxious, feel discouraged, feel happy, feel grateful, feel kind, feel something new every second. No matter what you feel, allow your body to feel, breath through it, find a friend and talk about it, find a safe place to express your feelings and allow yourself to feel. Here is what I know, feelings, they need somewhere to go. I will tell you I shove mine in a bottle...however what I actually know is they find a place to live in my body...this turns into fear, anxiety, even body aches and pain...and if left for to long chronic illness and trauma. So today...amongst all of this "new normal" find a release, find and outlet and allow yourself to feel!! 

And PLEASE....STAY HOME!!!! 

Wife, Mother, Teacher & COVID-19 Day 5

Day 5...social distancing! After day 3 I realized we live in a world with amazing technology and resources at our fingertips that when I was a child did not exist! Honestly...I spend so much time complaining about these technologies...but guess what...now is your time to shine technology...and that you have!!
Now I will tell you I am not very talented when it comes to technology...however, by Thursday morning, enough was enough and I was finding a way to see my classroom kids if it was the only thing I did that day! Finally I figured out Zoom, had a parent willing to try it with me and BAM...the classroom kids were on the screen talking like we were at school. There are no words to describe how precious it was to just sit and watch them interact with each other through the safety of a computer screen!
Well...with that I was on fire...there was no stopping me now!
So I would have told you we could have made it two weeks without going on a supply run...sadly on day 4 I started to panic a little. I almost hate to admit it. While we had food, things were running low...I thought it best to not wait until items like toilet paper were gone before I decided to get them, knowing they were hard to come by. If you know Joshua, then you know the value of milk...so to the store house we went! However, I had a plan...I was leaving with a bike...and I plan to soon become the person you always wave to on her bike when you drive through Mathews! It was my brilliant solution to social distancing! Day 4 became a win for everyone, and I even found toilet paper...the same brand we usually use! Imagine that!! I finished out my night riding all over the island and reading a story to my classroom kids on Zoom.

Day 5 sleeping in is apparently something I do not do well these days...while I have always wished to me a morning person...it has yet to happen, maybe this is the start of it?! In an attempt to keep life as normal as possible I met with my classroom on Zoom, we did our good morning song, our wish well, and celebration board. Of course I would tell you this was for the children, but lets be honest...I think I needed it more than them.
Using this same energy, I remembered what makes children so amazing. They can be so resilient, able to pick up right where they left off. There is so much about a child that is just profound to me...it never ceases to amaze me that when a child shows me what looks to me like a paper of scribble, it is in fact to them a masterpiece. What I would give to have that child like spirit...with that thought...I decided I could conquer my fears of being recorded and started a YouTube Channel. Seriously...on a list of "What is something you might do next week" that would not of been on the top 5000 things! Honestly I probably would have put that on the anti bucket list!!
Here's the thing...recently I told one of my Conscious Discipline family members that I hate pictures of me because I am not photogenic. She told me the photo truly is what it is, a picture of me, my face, who I am. Here was the amazing part...she said, that face is loved. My family, my classroom, my friends, when they see my picture, my face, they see love, a face that is loved. So with that I was all in...the wheels are spinning and the videos are coming.
Then I had one more issue pressing on my heart...the struggling parent that has now become the teacher as well. I have seen so many memes from educators basically mocking parents...while I do or would like to think they are in good humor...at the end of the day, it is not helpful! I had to reach out to my struggling parents and let them know...You are not your child's teacher...and it is ok!

"This has been on my heart for a few days now. I am an educator...I love to teach and spend my days with children. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, a hard truth even...I genuinely struggle to teach my own children.
We once homeschooled and while I loved it...the truth is, my kids could not love me as a mom and respect me as a teacher at the same time. It was a very hard balance for them and even more so for me.
I once struggled with the guilt of this, and honestly sometimes still do...how can I give 8+ hours a day to my classroom...and find my self frustrated in less the. 20min with my own kids in my own home?
The truth is...it’s hard, it’s frustrating, and it’s ok.
If you're that parent struggling to find balance, or even patience...during this “homeschool” time you're not alone.
The struggle is real...and it ok...one day we will look back and see all that we have learned from these crazy times...but for now, focus on the positive! Make the memories they will certainly last way longer than any virus or trying times we face." 

With every fiber of my being I believe a child learns through play...sure this play turns into hands on and action as they grow older...but it is still through the process not the product and trial and error that teaches a child. I remember the first time Cameron took apart his playstation remote...I was furious...filled him full of threats. Then he put it all back together...he has continued to take things apart and put them together...I promise he learned more through this than any text book ever taught him. 
I said all of this to say...no matter the age, no matter the skill set, let them explore, let them mess up, make messes, teach them, show them, play with them, it's ok. Remember the process is what teaches...not the finishing product! 

I finished my night with a 9 mile bike ride and a movie with my family...and more importantly the secret to surviving social distancing week 1...Stay busy...and find a way to connect!! They are out there, you just have to do what works for you. Lastly...step outside of your box...there is not a person in this world that loves the comfort of her built up walls more then me...I am here to tell you, step outside of your comfort zone...even if it is just a toe! 

P.S. Try zoom with the people you love the most or those you miss, everyone being able to see each other and talk to each other brings a feeling of comfort that you didn't even know you needed!! 

Mom, Wife, Teacher & COVID-19...Day 3

Day 3 of social distancing...3 days ago I had a to do list that could of kept me busy for months...a to do list that I have been putting off forever...cause ya know, life never slows down, and when it does we look for adventure...not house work!
But this...self isolation, this perfect time to slow down and do house projects together...just isn't perfect. The irony of it is, I don't even know why...other then I am feeling so blah and simply throwing me a pity party!
I have found myself annoyed at people that won't stay home, parents that will not keep their kids home, my favorite old man that is still going out and mingling with the general public...its truly none of my business...but seriously people...STAY HOME!!!
So the time has come, I am searching for a way to stay connected to my classroom family...P.S. hats off to you Ware Academy...y'all have hit the ball out of the park and even though I do not have a kid that attends there...Thank you!! You have made a very hard time that much easier for the children, and truly set the mark and model to so many schools around you!
Then I was reminded...there is safety in the present! How could I forget...stay in the present! First things first make a to do list, get the random thoughts floating in my brain out and on a visual list that keeps me right here in the present, where I am safe!
So day three was a tough one for me, I genuinely would of never believed I was ready to throw the towel in by day three of TRUE social distancing...here is to hoping  night of rest and tomorrow is better! If you are out there and the struggle is real...your not alone...<3

Mom...Wife...Teacher...& COVID-19

I’ve decided that I will keep a journal of this journey. Not only are we writing history, but as the days pass on and this only seems to get harder I want to be able to look back and think...wow, and look where we are now. Also, writing is therapeutic for me...so here goes.

Friday, March 13th...phew what a week it was. Governor Northam announced that we would be closing schools for two weeks. Not going to lie...it was such a crazy week...I thought, this is perfect, a reset if you will, just what we need! I mean I am ashamed to admit how unconcerned I was in that moment.
I was genuinely worried for how this would truly effect families and children and income. I knew this would be much greater than we could fathom in that moment but trusted it would all be ok and this would be the big step that stops the spread and levels the curve.
We spent the weekend camping in our woods and aside from some very sketchy wind...had a seriously great time!

Sunday March 15th...we packed up from camping and everything had seemed to returned to normal...for a minute anyways! In true Stearns fashion...we have two weeks off together...I pulled out the computer and started to plan our next spontaneous trip! Adventure awaits...and we are always on a mission to find it! However after a little thought and research we decided this was not what being a responsible American or example to our children. So after deep conversation explaining this to the children we committed to social distance and finding the adventure in staying home!

Monday March 16th...I am preparing for whatever the future brings, no worries, just going to roll with the punches. I mean I remember when I lived in PA and on rare occasions it snowed so much everything closed and we had to stay home. It was the absolute best! Me, my people, taking the day off, doing nothing, slowing down and just spending time together...life often gets so busy that these times became coveted and precious time. I quickly began to think of all the fun times and trips we have taken and what made them so special...just us, together, with that I was quickly able to think of this two week staycation as a blessing in disguise!

Well...better get to Wal-mart and get what we need for two weeks, dog food, stop at the nurtury...you know essentials! Cause we Stearns are doing our part and social distancing! We mean business! That was until Wal-Mart felt very much like one of those shows where the world is ending. And I don’t mean one of those scary ones, I mean the funny almost stupid ones that you literally cannot take any of it serious...yet all of a sudden it all seemed so real!! But I laugh it off, go home, the shut downs and governors are saying this and trump is saying that...me...cool as a cucumber. I’ve got this!

Tuesday March 17th...St. Patrick’s Day. Wake up, get my day started, wearing my green shirt I had planned for school anyways...doing great! Then I think of my sweet tiny humans, one in specific that has not stopped talking about the sneaky leprechaun that came last year. He has asked me all year if we could try and trap him again and remember the mess he made, do you think he will do it again?? As my mind wondered thinking of my classroom,
I decided that I should stay busy and enjoy this beautiful day! With the push mower I go to town on the green grass...see the connection there!? My favorite old man sees me push mowing and can’t have that so he comes over with his fancy ride mower and we both mowed the yard, maintaining safe distance but still spending time together. It was nearly the perfect solution to this social distancing thing! I spent the rest of the day in the yard, checking on the kids and their school work, can’t complain, it was a great day!
Found it hilarious when Joshua got home and asked me why I had St. Patrick’s day shirt on...he legit had no idea 🤦🏽‍♀️ We even celebrated a dogs bday (for those of you that know Kayla and her love for dogs, you will understand!) And don’t y’all worry, that sneaky leprechaun got some green in Joshuas milk! Probably the highlight of my day!!

As we ate dinner and the night lingered on, the news of restriction of state after state came and a few that schools decided to close until Sept. I immediately thought...that’s crazy!
However the reality of that began to sink in...will I not get to see my classroom kids again? Wait for them at the door to mark them present? Remind them to wash their hands? Or ask them if they are eating breakfast? Will I not get to teach them conflict resolution, or how to be a STAR, or share our celebrations, have family meeting, or eat lunch together? Will last Friday really be the last day I had with them?
My heart began to feel so heavy...I missed them as if it had been years. I worried for them, we are not done, I was not done...still so much time to share, hugs to give. As I started to feel the anxiety within me I knew for their sweet tiny human selves they must be feeling something too. How could I reach out and help them feel a sense of normal?
See we are more then a classroom, we are a school family. When a member of our family is gone we miss them, we wish them well, and when they come back we celebrate. This separations is different...one day we were together, one day we were not. Was everyone ok? Is everyone safe?
Furthermore, what will people do for income, how will the economy make it? I saw a picture of Time Square EMPTY...it again brought me back to that silly end of the world show. To be honest the last time I was in NYC I remember walking past places thinking...so much money wasted...for what? What purpose do all these fancy buildings and decorations have? Just two month later the reality hits hard...they are just things.
My brain went to thurs night, March 16th, Joshua and I went to dinner, we talked about the camping plans for the weekend and the talk of stuff shutting down, thinking how crazy that would be. Not even 24 hours later that became our reality. I found myself longing for “normal” and more important the security of what tomorrow holds.
At the end of the night I realized, none of us know what we will wake up to, how we will manage it...its scary and it’s hard! I am here to tell you it’s ok to be scared, worried, or even cry. Know you are not alone.

As for me, I will be hiding behind my smile, that’s what I do best. It’s not an easy thing to open that bottle of feelings after years of keeping her locked so tight. What I do know is the smile is a mask, helps me feel safe...you know like the sunglasses you wear at the dentist as a child, on the inside however...I long for certainty and knowing what the future holds.